crap
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
To the solipsist: you’re here only because you think you are.
Q: Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
A: The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey.
Q: What’s the difference between a chess player and a frigid woman in bed?
A: Every now and again a chess player moves.
A Zen master once said to me:
“Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.”
So I didn’t.
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
Proof of global warming:
Proof of global warming
When I was born, I had the option to be a boy or to be a girl. I chose the former because I thought it’s better to stop sucking at 1 than to start at 17.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
A man calls a radio station:
“Hello! I just found a wallet with $15,000 dollars and an id belonging to somebody named Michael Smith. I’d like to dedicate him a song!”
Q: How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean.
In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in France. She said, “Cut it out!”
When I was young I used to pray for a bike.
Then I realized that God doesn’t work that way.
So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
A hippie is walking down the sidewalk wearing a shoe on one foot, and his other foot is bare.
A friend says, “Hey, man, did you lose your shoe?”
The hippie smiles and replies, “No, man, I found one!”
Waiter: “Tea or coffee, gentlemen?”
1st customer: “I’ll have tea.”
2nd customer: “Me, too — and be sure the glass is clean!”
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: “Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?”
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
– Rod Stewart
Ad found in New York Times and on Ebay (authentic!):
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything.
Q: Why did they send the first woman into space?
A: She was 100 pounds lighter than the electric dishwasher!
Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: Thirty-five kilograms.
If you would find yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and aperture would you use?
Giving instructions to a group of his soldiers, a Mafia Boss said, “I want the guy shot; then put him in a barrel and fill it with cement; then toss him in the East River. And, oh yeah… make it look like an accident.”
Met this guy in a bar; says:
- Hi, dude. Do you have pictures with your wife nude?
- Nope.
- Would you buy some?
You go to the ballet to see girls dancing on their tiptoes. Why don’t they just get taller girls?
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats — approximately one billion Chinese couldn’t care less.
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
Latest discovery:
Helicopters with ejection seats.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
– Ashleigh Brilliant
Trust: two cannibals having oral sex.
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, “one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.”
George CARLIN said it best about Martha Stewart… “Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she’s behind bars. O.J. Simpson, Kobe Bryant and Michael Jackson are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden, too. But they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail.”
Q: Hi, can I speak with Bob, please?
A: Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice?
A: It said “concentrate.”
A man comes into an auto parts store.
“I’d like a mirror for my Chevy,” he tells the clerk.
“Sounds like a fair swap to me…”
Q: Why does the Chevy have a rear window defroster?
A: So that your hands don’t freeze when you’re pushing it!
Q: Why do men like love at first sight?
A: It saves them a lot of time.
“I don’t want to worry you,” the little boy said to his teacher, ” but last night my dad said that if I didn’t get better grades on my next report card, someone was going to get their butt kicked.”
Conscience doesn’t really keep you from doing anything wrong — it merely keeps you from enjoying it.
Religion is the most malevolent of all mind viruses. –Arthur C. Clarke
An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
– A Chinese child
Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.
– Ambrose Bierce, “The Devil’s Dictionary”
An American’s a person who isn’t afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.
A fellow asks his boss, “Say Boss, my wife wants me to clean out the basement tomorrow. Can I have the day off?”.
“NO” the boss answers.
“Thanks Boss, I knew you’d come through.”
“Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery’?”
– Jay Leno
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they’re ok, you’re it.
Man: “I’d like to call you. What’s your number?”
Woman: “It’s in the phone book.”
Man: “But I don’t know your name.”
Woman: “That’s in the phone book too.”
Lord John to his driver:
James, drive off the cliff. I want to commit suicide.
“Real hackers don’t die, their TTL expires.”
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
The Scot told his wife: “Be sure now to take off your new eye glasses if you’re not looking at anything.”
Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
A: Buy her a diamond ring.
Don’t spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They’ll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
What did God say after creating Adam?
I must be able to do better than that.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”. I said, “Dust!”
My wife ran off with my best friend. I sure do miss him!
Husband: I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don’t you?
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Minneapolis and St. Paul are divided by the Mississippi River and united by the belief that the inhabitants of the other side of the river are inferior.
To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
– MIT Assasination Club
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: How do you know when a woman is going to say something intelligent?
A: When her first words are, “A man once told me…”
Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News: There were three empty seats.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
Q: Why do women like intelligent men?
A: Opposites attract.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
Ummm, well, OK. The network’s the network, the computer’s the computer. Sorry for the confusion.
– Sun Microsystems
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. (Plane landing and screeching to a halt.) RRRtttt! He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, “Man, that is the *shortest* runway I ever landed on.” The co-pilot says, “Yeah, and so *wide*.”
God made Eve. He gave her a wonderful figure. He gave her a beautiful face, lovely lips, a luscious mouth, and then He put a tongue in it and ruined the whole thing!
If you’re careful enough, nothing bad or good will ever happen to you.
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it’s further away.
The cable TV sex channels don’t expand our horizons, don’t make us better people, and don’t come in clearly enough.
No more sick days? Call in dead!
The trouble with finding your perfect soulmate is that she would probably want to get married, then four weeks after the wedding you would meet another perfect soulmate, with larger breasts.
Girls who throw themselves at men, are actually taking very careful aim.
Mother to Daughter: What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?
“Of course he is, Mom. He’s thrifty, doesn’t drink or smoke. In fact, he has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children.”
An experienced surgeon rebukes a young one: “Who taught you to make such awful incisions? This is the fourth operating table you’ve scratched up!”
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington, the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have changed the name of ‘french fries’ to ‘freedom fries’. Nothing like this has happened since the 1950s when ‘Russian dressing’ changed to ‘commie sauce’. –Conan O’Brien
You shouldn’t get jail time for bigamy.
Isn’t having multiple mothers-in-laws enough punishment?
Dear Abby says that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than three times a day, and that you should seek professional help.
I have news for Dear Abby: the only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is IF I seek professional help.
If it’s too loud, you’re too old.
58 руски мъдрости
1. Ако димът се стеле по земята - върнете се и изключете ютията; ако се вдига стълбовидно - може вече и да не се връщате
2. Ако ви сърби лявата ръка - това е на пари, ако ви сърби носа - това е на пиячка; ако са и двете - това е на пиячка на аванта
3. Котките си имат поверие - ако негър им пресече пътя…
4. Ако мъжът подарява цветя без причина, значи - причина все пак има.
5. Ако жената има пръстен, значи най-вероятно е омъжена. Ако има гердан, това нищо не значи. Ако има и пръстен и гердан - омъжена е, но това нищо не значи
6. Винтът, забит с чук, държи по-здраво от пирон, завъртян с отвертка
7. Ако искаш да се почувстваш звезда - сядай на елхата!
8. Дошъл си - благодаря, отишъл си си - мноого благодаря…
9. Животът на човек се дава само веднъж, основно случайно
10. Поради изчезването на мъжа са възбудени … двама съседи
11. По-добре с Петров на Майорка, отколкото с майор на Петровка (Петровка 38 - адресът на московската милиция)
12. Никога не се страхувай да правиш това, което не умееш. Помни, че Ноевият ковчег е направен от любители. Професионалистите са построили “Титаник”.
13. Ако гледате телевизия, сигурно сте забелязали, че добрите винаги побеждават лошите - с изключение на новините в осем часа.
14. Граждани! Летете със самолетите на Аерофлот! Побързайте - останаха съвсем малко!
15. Ако смятате, че никотинът не влияе на гласните струни на жените, пробвайте да изтръскате пепелта от цигарата на килима.
16. Когато жена казва, че няма какво да облече - това означава, че няма нови дрехи. Когато мъж казва, че няма какво да облече - това означава, че няма чисти дрехи.
17. Хубаво нещо е “умрелият полицай” - и скоростта ограничава, и да го прегазиш е приятно.
18. Руснаците наричат път мястото, през което възнамеряват да преминат.
19. Ако дълго време не са се обаждали роднините или приятелите - значи всичко им е наред.
20. Хубаво е не там, където ни няма, а там, където никога не сме и били!
21. Да ви помогна ли или да не ви преча?
22. Често, когато сутрин гледаш някоя жена, с ужас разбираш, че снощното съблазняване е нейна, а не твоя заслуга.
23. Когато в семейството има само една жена, тя израства егоистка.
24. Причините за неявяване са три - забравяне, запиване или зае*аване.
25. Ако искате да разсмеете Бог - разкажете му плановете си.
26. По-страшен от руския танк е пияния му екипаж.
27. Както и да се въртиш, задникът ти все е отзад.
28. И вълците сити, и агнетата цели, а на овчаря - вечна му памет.
29. Ако имаш прекрасна жена, ослепителна любовница, страхотна кола, нямаш проблеми с властите и данъчните; ако когато ходиш по улицата, винаги грее слънце и минувачите ти се усмихват - к
ажи НЕ на наркотиците!
30. Комарите са много по-хуманни от някои жени - когато комър ти пие кръвчицата, той поне престава да бръмчи.
31. Има три начина да се направи нещо - направи го сам, наеми някой или забрани на децата си да го направят.
32. Животът естествено е неудачен, но всичко останало е нормално.
33. Да направиш жената щастлива не е трудно - трудното е ти да останеш щастлив.
34. Ако спориш с идиот, вероятно точно същото прави и той.
35. Правилно хвърленият мъж обезателно се връща - като бумеранг.
36. Аз безкрайно уважавам чудовищния избор на моя народ.
37. Когато времето е малко - не ти е до приятелство, а само до любов.
38. Руският мързел не е грях, а изключително необходимо средство за неутрализация на кипящата активност на ръководителите - идиоти.
39. Безпричинен смях - признак, че или сте идиот, или красива девойка.
40. Извинявайте, че говоря, докато Вие прекъсвате.
41. Лотарията е най-добрият способ за изчисляване на броя на оптимистите.
42. Истинската жена е длъжна да отсече дърво, да разруши дом и да отгледа дъщеря.
43. Болният отиде на поправителен, но не стигна.
44. Изпратете четири капака от тоалетна чиния и ще получите безплатна ролка тоалетна хартия!
45. Глупаците се женят, а умните се омъжват.
46. Американските университети са мястото, в което руски евреи преподават математика на китайците.
47. Животът отминава толкова бързо, сякаш не му е интересно с нас…
48. Зелевият сок - утрешната напитка.
49. Мързелът е подсъзнателна мъдрост.
50. Има хора, в които живее Бог. Има хора, в които живее дяволът. А има и хора, в които живеят само глисти. Ф. Раневская.
51. В живота на всеки мъж идва период, в който най-просто е да си купиш чистите чорапи.
52. За жените - има само миг между миналото и бъдещето. И този миг се нарича живот.
53. Възпитаният мъж не прави забележка на жена, неправилно носеща траверса.
54. Не е достатъчно да си знаеш цената - трябва да се отчита и търсенето.
55. Пазете родината - почивайте в чужбина.
56. Тя пристигна в Сибир и му развали цялата каторга.
57. Жените, също като децата, обичат да казват “не”. Мъжете, също като децата, го приемат насериозно.
58. Висша степен на смущението - два погледа, срещащи се в ключалката.
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